Speaking in Stories and Autism

A few months ago, my husband Jason ran across a review of Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter Ron Suskind's book Life, Animated: A Story of Sidekicks, Heroes, and Autism. In his book, he describes his son Owen's autism diagnosis and limited communication, and how Owen was able to find his voice by quoting and referencing Disney movies to communicate his feelings and observations of the world around him.

Owen had a breakthrough around six years old, when he observed his brother having a meltdown after a birthday party. He referenced a Disney movie to express his observations of the situation and attempt to understand why his brother was upset.

“ ‘Walter doesn’t want to grow up,’ he [Owen] says evenly, ‘like Mowgli or Peter Pan,’” Mr. Suskind recalls. It is Owen’s first complex sentence, and he says it looking straight at his parents. Later that day, Mr. Suskind picks up a puppet of Iago, the parrot sidekick in Disney’s animated “Aladdin.”
“So, Owen, how ya’ doin’?” he asks in Iago’s voice. “I mean, how does it feel to be you?”
“I’m not happy,” Owen answers. “I don’t have friends. I can’t understand what people say.”
A whole new world begins.*

*Source:  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/05/22/books/life-animated-by-ron-suskind.html?_r=0

His parents immediately saw an opportunity to help Owen learn and communicate using Disney movies as observations of social interaction and understanding emotions. AND IT WORKED.

Owen's story completely resonated with us. Our sweet daughter G-Bug is a social, loving, zany eight-year-old on the autism spectrum. She has come a long way in the three years since her diagnosis, and yet things like expressing her inner thoughts and feelings are still extremely difficult and rarely communicated to anyone.

Like Owen, G-Bug recently displayed just how powerful stories and narratives impact her, and how they can also help her communicate her own thoughts and feelings.

Gracie rediscovered a VHS copy of the movie "The Lion King" in our basement, and asked to watch it over and over. It's a great story - a young lion who tragically loses his father and, assuming he is responsible, runs away. Over time, he realizes that he must face his past, and step into the role he was meant to take: a good and protective leader and king. Gracie was enthralled, but never really wanted to talk about the themes or her thoughts on the movie when I tried to prompt a conversation. I assumed she was just digging the music and the the Pumba fart jokes. What kid wouldn't?

A couple of weeks later, we were sitting at the table doing math problems and singing Hakuna Matata. Out of the blue, she remarked, "You know, the past can hurt sometimes."

Surprised and curious, I said, "Well, yes that's true. Are you thinking of something in particular?"

"Yes," she said. "Like when someone dies."

She then talked about someone she loved like a grandfather who had passed away the year before. She talked about how she saw that his death affected specific people who were still grieving his loss, even though they didn't really show it. I was stunned at her insight, her observations, and her ability to articulate things I had never guessed that she was feeling or observing.

And then the moment passed. Two minutes of deep, heartfelt conversation and then it was abruptly over. She has never talked about those things since.

People are complicated and difficult to understand sometimes. For people with autism, even more so. If you are trying to connect with and love someone on the spectrum, be open to new ways to teach or encourage relationships and empathy toward others. It might require calling on a lion prince, a wise cracking parrot, or a dragon tamer to open a well into a spring of deep thoughts and feelings buried below a seemingly barren surface.

A Hard Day

My post on Facebook today:

I try not to post too often about how hard things can be, but could you please pray for us? I don't know if it's the weather or what, but the last week or so has been terribly hard here at Four Maples. I actually cried during our first lesson today from sheer exhaustion and frustration. It feels almost impossible to complete simple lessons without a meltdown happening, or total inattentiveness, or forgetting a task right after it's been explained. Anything without pictures is totally unlearnable. My words have little/no meaning, because the ability to comprehend them isn't there.

It feels like I'm writing instructions on a chalk board, and when I turn to the student to explain it the words magically erase. So I write it again, turn to the student, and it's gone again. Over and over and over. And there isn't even the small comfort of a child's ability to communicate what is making things so hard to understand, or even eye contact or body language to give a little hope that anyone is even mentally present with me. Nothing.

I love my job. I love my kids. I love homeschooling. I love that we can work at the pace and in the environment that my daughter needs to learn best. But today I am weary. And I just wanted to share that in honesty, because everyone has hard days at their work and no one always handles those days perfectly. And today of all days I'm grateful for the promise and reality of a God who is a closer friend and Father than even the best of friends here on earth, who walks alongside us in this broken world, and comforts us in rock solid love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith - that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:14-19

Having "The Talk" with my daughter

World Autism Awareness Day is coming to a close, and after three years of having the diagnosis I finally had "the talk" with my daughter, telling her she was on the autism spectrum.

I had been sort of dreading the conversation, wondering when it would be best for her to officially know. Mostly because I didn't want her to feel a sense of negativity or over-identification with a particular part of herself that could be seen as limiting or stigmatizing. 

But mostly I was just afraid I'd screw it all up. 

It seemed like such a huge conversation to have with her - so many long term ramifications, possibly even sadness or anger, or confusion. We have talked with her (and her brother in his moments of frustration) about certain issues - how change is harder for her, that she can't tell when someone is getting irritated with her if they don't say so, that sounds, loud and crowded places, and food textures that bother her have to do with how her brain makes them seem louder/painful/sickening to her. But to actually say to her, "You have autism," was not something I was sure she was ready to understand, or something I was ready to say.

So today, the opportunity presented itself over breakfast while I was looking online at some autism awareness pins. G-bug and Truth noticed what I was doing and they asked me what those puzzle pins were on my computer. So we talked about what a diagnosis is, and gave some examples like how we all have allergies and get sneezy in the spring, and that I sleep with a machine at night because of my sleep apnea (you're welcome for that little tidbit of TMI). Because the doctor knows that I stop breathing at night, they can give me a machine that helps me sleep and my body work better.

We talked about how each person is created unique, and with special strengths and weaknesses. And then we talked about autism, that it means that a person's brain might work a little differently than some other people. It makes being flexible and handling change difficult. It might make people's senses go haywire. It might make it hard to understand what other people are thinking and feeling, and how to make friends in some cases. But people on the spectrum can also be really good at things, like photographic memory, or remembering whole narratives or songs without really trying (G-bug was listening intently while I was talking, with no eye contact of course.)

Then we talked about some of our favorite people who are on the autism spectrum, and how some things are hard for them but they are also really good at other things because of their unique brain.

Then I tentatively told Gracie that she is also someone with this condition. I almost cringed anticipating her response.

Without missing a beat, she said matter of factly, "Yeah, I know."

Me: "Really? How did you know?"

G-bug: "You know, because of my legs and how my body feels sometimes."

Me: "And how some things are hard for you?"

G-bug: "Yeah."

Me: "But it's also why you are so good at remembering things you see, and songs you listen to - there's a lot of good and some hard stuff too. God made each of us in His image, special and unique."

G-bug: "Yeah. And can I have two cat vitamins now?"

And that was it.

I don't know what I was expecting, but that certainly wasn't it. She already knew?

As the day progressed, I assumed she had forgotten all about our conversation - nothing was said, and nothing indicated that she gave a second thought to our talk... until later that afternoon while playing Mario Kart at a friend's house. Out of the blue, she asked me to remind our friends that today was World Autism Awareness Day, because she had it, and that it meant that her brain worked differently, and made some things hard for her, but made her really good at other things. And then she promptly went back to her game of Mario Kart.

That's G-bug. Deep conversations like sound bytes in the most surprising moments. And then it's gone.

Now I'm no fool. I know this is the first conversation of many more to come. But the conversation has begun, and instead of dancing around the large puzzle-piece-patterned elephant in the room we are facing it together with honesty and solidarity. I have no idea how being on the autism spectrum will continue to affect her into adolescence, into her teens, into adulthood, into marriage and parenting if that is part of her future. But I know that I'm so glad that I'm her mom, and I'm ready to walk with her through each of those seasons and have as many hard/encouraging/scary/wonderful conversations as she needs to have. And I'm already praying for the ability to do it.

So light it up blue today. For G-bug, for her friends like Jack, and for so many others affected by and living (emphasis on LIVE) with autism.

G-bug snuggles are The. Best.

Whole Body Listening

Listening to others is hard. If you add additional factors like development, auditory processing challenges, lack of social awareness, sensory issues, attention challenges, etc., it can seem nearly impossible! Sometimes a person/child is actually listening but isn't aware that their body language isn't communicating that to others.

"What? I'm listening! Can't you tell?"

Whatever the reason, a child who struggles with quiet whole body listening can be the recipient of constant correction and scolding, and can result in a very discouraged or frustrated teacher (not that I can relate to that... ahem... cough cough... shuffles away quickly).

Good whole body listening can and should be taught, encouraged, and reinforced in children and adults alike. While expectations of the parent/teacher should be tempered by the child's individual ability (age/development are huge factors in this!), every child can learn to show respect and interest in someone who is talking to him or her, even for short periods of time.

I SEEEE YOU! I HEEEAR YOU!

Our wonderful speech pathologist/social skills therapist provided us with several visual resources to help us with whole body listening:

Listening booklet - This 1/2 page printable booklet clearly explains how we listen to others, including our teachers. It also helps a student learn when they can talk aloud and when we need to listen with our lips closed. The booklet explains what others are thinking when we listen quietly to them (others think you are polite and what they are saying is important to you). You could make more than one copy and keep one in their backpacks, at their desk, at home, put one into their church bag, etc.

Parts of a Listener printable - this adorable poster identifies the different parts of your body that are used when listening: eyes for looking at whoever is talking, a mouth for sharing ideas when it's your turn, hands still so they don't distract others, etc. We have found great success reviewing all of these parts of a listener just before a lesson during school and at church in our special needs Sunday School class. The download is only a dollar, so it's inexpensive too!

Source

Parts of a Friend printable - created by the same teacher, this covers similar information but is more specific to how to be a friend in the way you listen, care, and think about another person. Great for kids who struggle with social awareness.

Fidgets - Your child might also benefit from holding a fidget in their hands/lap while listening to relieve sensory seeking or release need to move and wiggle. (I've also seen kids sit on some fidgets! Whatever works!) As long as it is kept under a desktop out of sight, this can be very helpful for some while avoiding visual distraction to themselves and to others. Click here for some examples and to find something that might work for you.

The important thing to remember is make learning how to listen a positive experience, and to celebrate the small victories - five minutes of sitting quietly and attentively is a huge milestone for some kids, and should be recognized and praised! And consider rewarding excellent whole body listening by following up with a wiggle-friendly activity or free play.

What things help you or your child to listen well?

Skip Counting Tips from a Super Homeschool Momma

My dear friend and amazing homeschooler Kathy Dow just posted a new blog post with lots of ideas for how to teach skip counting (or multiplication tables). Here is the link to some great ideas:

http://livingandlearningwithmyboybarians.wordpress.com/2014/09/09/skip-counting-tricks/

I am definitely going to be utilizing some of these ideas as we officially tackle multiplication this year - yikes!

And in case you need some help getting into the spirit of skip counting, you can jam out to these little gems from the classic kids program Schoolhouse Rock!



Three is the magic number!

If you're not ready, holler "I!"

Tips for New to Homeschool Parents

So you want to homeschool? Congratulations! You're about to embark on an amazing journey of learning and exploring alongside your kids - it might be one of the toughest and most rewarding jobs you will ever take on, and it's totally worth it.

 Budding scientist, Dr. Truth

The most common question/comments I get from new to homeschool mommas are: "It feels so overwhelming!" and "Where in the heck do I start?" I was blessed to have a couple of well seasoned homeschool mommas to help point me in the right direction, and now I would like to pass that wisdom along to you who feel as overwhelmed or confused as I was starting out. You can do it!

Note: This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it should help point you in the right direction. And please contact me directly if you have any other questions that need answering - I am only a few years in myself, but can ask others in the local homeschool community if I can't answer it for you. Good luck!

Where To Start:

1) Check your state's homeschooling laws. The HSLDA (Home School Legal Defense Association) is a great place to start researching. Every state is different - some require minimal oversight, and others require more record keeping, supervision, and/or standardized testing. Some states require specific subjects/hours of study per day, others do not. Some states also offer tax benefits and supports for families who homeschool, so it's also worth checking that out as well. Click here to find your state's laws for homeschooling.

2) Decide which curriculum you would like to use. There are hundreds of options! Charlotte Mason, unit studies, classical, unschooling, piece meal programs, online homeschool, umbrella programs, or a combination of these options are just a tip of the iceberg. While you are deciding, take time to consider your child's learning style (see my previous blog post touching on this) and your personal teaching needs (more structure vs. less structure, premade lesson plans vs. compiling your own lesson plans, etc).

NOTE: You will likely never find a curriculum that will perfectly fit all of your needs or your child's needs, and will almost certainly have to tweak it as you go, adding or taking out things to better fit your needs/schedule (and that's ok!). But it can be VERY helpful for new homeschool mommas who lack confidence (ahem, ME) to have a framework to work around. Here are some great examples of good comprehensive open-and-go curricula to get you started in your research:

       Sonlight
       My Father's World
       Heart of Dakota
       Timberdoodle

Also, Cathy Duffy is a great resource for curriculum reviews and recommendations. Happy hunting!

3) Go to a homeschool convention! There are literally hundreds of vendors, speakers, books, lesson plans, and resources in one setting to explore.
A Word of Advice: Do some research before you go to narrow down what kind of curricula/materials you are interested in checking out. (It can be very overwhelming if you don't.) Then, once you've narrowed down your list, head to the vendor hall and go get your hands on the books and flip through a few weeks of lessons to see if it's a good fit for you. There are many conventions to choose from, including the Great Homeschool Convention, which I have found very helpful the last few years.

Half of the Vendor Hall last year - EEK!

4) Check out your local community for programs/services specifically for homeschool families - here in the Louisville Metro area, many of the libraries, museums, YMCA, aquarium, and the zoo offer programs specifically for homeschool families. It's a great way to expand their learning experiences and to connect with other families and make new friends.

Our amazing librarian Ms. Lori posing with Flat Stanley

5) Find a homeschool momma who's been there. Find a family who is several years ahead of you in the homeschooling process, and have achieved comprehensive results through a variety of learning methods that align with your convictions on education. (Thank you Jason, my co-headmaster of Four Maples Academy for this tip!)

Here are some additional tips from other experienced homeschool mommas (thank you, Kathy and Aleasha for letting me pick your brains on the subject!):

- Don't attempt to do "school at home." Home school doesn't have to mean doing seat work at home for 3-4 hours straight with limited opportunities to get up and move. Limit your learning time to one to two hours total for the school day, keeping the time per subject to just a few minutes. And take lots of breaks!

- School does NOT equal worksheets - some kids love them, and that's great. Some kids do better without, and that's great too! You can assess their understanding in many other ways, like asking questions or discussing the material, doing an activity using the material learned, etc.

Reviewing constellations with pebbles and chalk

- Every subject does not need to be started in the first grade. Subjects like grammar, foreign  language, etc. can wait. Less is more! Also, let them master the basics before moving on to more abstract learning.

- Chairs are overrated. Sitting at a desk/table is only one way to "do school."

School in a bean bin. Yes.

And lastly, here is a link to another brilliant article titled "10 Ways You're Making Your Homeschool Day Harder Than It Needs To Be." Enjoy, and let it encourage you!

Happy learning, you've got this!

Hard realities, good truth

Here are two hard realities I have learned about teaching/parenting a child with "hidden" special needs:

1) It is very difficult to know where their abilities end and their limitations begin until they have been asked to do something that is beyond their abilities - meltdowns/frustration/despair are usually the indicators of this line.

2) This invisible line can move on a daily/hourly basis, depending on environmental factors, sensory issues, change in schedule, what they ate, how they slept, the change in weather, etc. Something that was a snap one day can be overwhelming the next day, and you may never know why. And neither will they.

A couple of years ago, my dear friend Kathy and I decided that living with autism is a lot like Calvinball - no matter how hard you try to keep up, the rules are constantly changing.

For a while, on really hard days Kathy and I would message each other a one-word message: "Calvinball." The other would immediately know what that meant.

I love teaching my children, and I love that we can homeschool to more easily incorporate sensory diet, gross/fine motor therapies, much needed breaks in between seemingly simple tasks, and to constantly adapt to the rhythms of our children's abilities that day... but it's hard sometimes. Good, hard work. That I wouldn't trade for anything. Work that reminds me almost constantly of my desperate need for God to equip, encourage, and enable me to do this work to the the best of my own very limited abilities.

AND HE DOES. He does. I'm so thankful.

"Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen." - Hebrews 13:20-21

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Colossians 3:16-17

I hope to be as cool as Rosalyn one day.