Hello, jaw surgery.

The biggest event on our horizon is the long awaited orthognatic (double jaw and chin) surgery to correct my obstructed airway and TMJ disorder. We hope it will lead to better sleep and health, as well as less pain and fatigue both now and in the long term.

Braces are a necessary step for proper teeth alignment prior to orthognatic surgery.
My resemblance to the Incredibles' babysitter is uncanny. #iamKari

The procedure has been scheduled for March 7th (seven weeks away!). I'm meeting with my dentist, orthodontist, and maxillofacial surgeon in a few weeks for my final checks before surgery. Then it's Go Time.

(This video below is a great explanation of the procedure, and includes a patient testimonial if you are curious or interested in learning more.)



Something about having a set procedure date made things feel a lot more real this week. In an effort to quell anxiety (nervousness = busyness), I've started making preparations for post-op care.

Here a list of the recovery supplies I've collected so far:

- Wedge Pillow to stay elevated after surgery
- Nutri Ninja blender
- Hamilton Beach Big Mouth Juicer
- Homegeek Water Pik (for keeping braces/teeth clean since flossing will be impossible)
- Essential oil diffuser/humidifier (interesting article by Mayo Clinic on EOs and post-op recovery)
- Ice packs and heating pad
- Dry erase board/markers (to communicate for first couple of weeks)
- DVDs and comfy pajamas

One of the trickiest considerations with jaw surgery recovery is nutrition: the jaws are banded shut for 4-6 weeks while the bones heal, which means everything going in must be in liquid/pureed form. I've begun experimenting with various recipes for soups, smoothies, juices, and basically anything that can be consumed through a condiment squeeze bottle. I hope to write another post soon with some of the best recipes I've gleaned from cookbooks, YouTube, and the interwebs.

EDITED 2/13/19: I was told at my pre-op appt last week that I will NOT be wired/banded shut after surgery (YAY) but will still be on a liquid diet for about a month (BOO).

Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner.

Rinse. Repeat.

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Some may be wondering if this procedure is medically necessary to correct my issues, or if more conservative and holistic treatments have been tried first to help improve my airway and long list of medical issues. The answer is yes and yes.

I've been battling poor health for several years now, and it has been gradually worsening over time. Over the last four years, I've been treated by several great chiropractors, massage therapists, physical therapists, and doctors with only limited success. Manual manipulations, daily physical therapy exercises, dry needling, craniosacral and therapeutic massage, splints, essential oils, supplements, eliminating huge categories of inflammatory foods from my diet - you name it, I've tried it. All with little/no lasting relief, I'm sorry to say. It is now clear that there are no other viable alternatives left, and so we can proceed with confidence knowing that this is the best option for my long term health. (I will also be having a small outpatient procedure later to correct a tongue tie, but the tie is minimal and the recovery will be much, much easier.) 

If you believe you are suffering with significant jaw issues, contact a dentist or orthodontist who specializes in airway/TMJ disorders for a consult. They are the best place to start in getting an assessment, and they will likely have several conservative and effective treatments to try first before considering surgery (according to my orthodontist, 85% of people he treats with TMJ/jaw issues can resolve their problems without surgical intervention).

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Thank you all for your support, prayers, and encouragement as we take this crucial and necessary step. I will try to share details as I'm able throughout the process in case it is helpful to others who are considering or needing orthognatic surgery.

Goodbye, 2018.

2018, I'm glad to see the back of you.

We survived a crazy year, folks. I shared most of the weightiest Gains and Losses of 2018 in a previous blog, and the ripples from those changes have continued to reshape many aspects of our lives. It has been a rather intense season of rebuilding and adapting to the new normal with all of its ups and downs, to say the least.

But we've been thankful for so many beautiful moments this year as well, and they are worth mentioning here.


For G-bug's 11th birthday, she asked to do two of Papaw's favorite things to celebrate: have a family fishing day and eat at Golden Corral. I can't think of a better way to remember Dad and to celebrate life. He would have been so touched to know how much G-bug wanted to honor him on her birthday. That girl never ceases to amaze me.

"I got another one!"

We took Dad with us. It seemed right to have him there.

This fall, we finally got around to getting family photos for the first time in 5+ years. (Thanks, Kristen Williams for the amazing photos!)  It's crazy how much the kids have grown up and what amazing human beings they are and are still becoming.

Hand in hand, heart to heart

The whole gang!💗

We also welcomed a new nephew into the world, and his sweet adorableness is off the charts.

Baby Jack Jack. 

His cuteness knows no bounds.

My younger brother also graduated with his masters degree in computer science this December, and I couldn't be prouder. Congrats, Ken!

Mom, sister in law, and the graduate 💓

This was also a year of all of the firsts without Dad: first birthdays, first Thanksgiving (he taught me how to cook a turkey as a teenager, and we prepared Thanksgiving together most years through college). This was the first Christmas without him. He loved Christmas.

My brother and I did go visit Dad's place at the Kentucky Veteran Cemetery in Fort Knox, and were so touched to see all of the beautiful wreaths laid on every grave for Christmas. It was such a beautiful tribute to all of the veterans who were there, and a tremendous gift of love for the families who were missing them during the holidays.

Merry Christmas, Dad

Joy and sorrow, tears and laughter. A tapestry of trials and triumphs, woven together into an intricate display of life in all of its shades, shadows, and textures. There was enough sorrow and tears to drown us this year, but enough moments of beauty and joy to sustain us as well. Those moments were not by chance, but tangible gifts of grace from a loving God.

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come to pass: 'Death has been swallowed up in victory.'

'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?'

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the Law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast and immovable. Always excel in the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

- 1 Corinthians 15:54-58

Death is not the final word. Christ will one day triumph over death once and for all. And in that we can remain steadfast, sturdy in the hope He provides.

Nature Walk Ideas

Nature walks are one of the easiest and cost-effective activities you can do with you kids. Children of all ages can find something interesting to do/see while exploring the great outdoors. (Equally true for grown ups like me who don't particularly love hiking. Or sweating. Or mosquitoes.)

Charlotte Mason (a British English educator in the 1800s whose writings created the foundation for the homeschooling philosophy that carries her name) believed that regular exploration and investigation outdoors among nature encouraged a vital foundation of curiosity and investigation in children:

"It is infinitely well worth the mother’s while to take some pains every day to secure, in the first place, that her children spend hours daily amongst rural and natural objects; and, in the second place, to infuse into them, or rather, to cherish in them, the love of investigation...

"The child who learns his science from a text-book, though he go to Nature for illustrations, and he who gets his information from object lessons, has no chance of forming relations with things as they are, because his kindly obtrusive teacher makes him believe that to know about things is the same as knowing them personally...

"Let them once get in touch with nature and a habit is formed which will be a source of delight and habit through life..."

Here are a few ideas/activities to inspire you as you plan to explore God's creation as a family and encourage your children's curiosity and discovery:

• Make up a nature walk scavenger hunt: before heading out, write up a list of different items to look for and check items off the list as you find them.  Some examples: different kinds of acorns/seeds, colored leaves, insects, plants, rocks, birds, or animals. You can even bring a camera and make it a photo scavenger hunt!

• Buy some cheap binoculars and let the kids use them to spot far away objects like birds in trees, or turtles swimming lazily in a lake. (We lucked out and got some in fast food kids meals!)

The beauty of nature is everywhere!

Have the kids keep a nature journal: record observations by writing/drawing pictures of things they saw in a special notebook specifically for that purpose.  Have them draw/label items, collect and tape/glue leaves and seeds they find, do leaf rubbings. We actually started keeping a box in our school closet with our most interesting nature findings: cicada shells, a broken eggshell, etc. (Be sure kids wash their hands after handling!)

One mom had a brilliant idea for toddlers/preschoolers: collect different colored items (flowers, leaves, etc) while on a neighborhood walk, and then create a display on paper by sorting the items by color:

Thanks Bethany for permission to share your idea/photo!

• If you have a park or nature center within driving distance, USE IT.  Many of them have easy trails to hike and often host kid-friendly events or activities throughout the year.

 Butterfly display at the Louisville Nature Center

Hello, Nature? Is that you?

Lastly, be sure to allow lots of margin to let your children to investigate, explore, and study the things in nature that interest them. (Warning: This might require you to hide your cringes while they poke at a particlarly disgusting bug or take the time to study a pile of termites eating their way through a fallen log.) G-bug and Truth have often surprised me with their thoughtful questions and observations while on our walks, and have regularly educated me in how a particular animal, bird, or plant behaves. Amazing.

Comment below and share your favorite places and memories that you've enjoyed while exploring the great outdoors!

When I Don't Feel Like Singing Anymore

Today's a hard day. Singing is now physically painful, so I've had to stop for a while. Maybe until after jaw surgery, which I pray will help open my airway and relieve the strain it puts on my body.

We were asked in Sunday School today to share what God has been teaching us over the last year. These two words came to mind so quickly it brought tears to my eyes: Surrender. Trust.

This song by the amazing Eilidh Patterson resonates so deeply today. He is near. He will redeem.

Gains and Losses

2018. Good. Grief.

I'm struggling to put into words what the last few months have been like. It might be easier to create a month-to-month bullet list of the gains and losses our family has experienced so far this year.

I apologize if this post is very self-indulgent and long winded. I will write another update soon about our kids, homeschool, and the other wonderful parts of our life. But there have been a lot of not-wonderful things that we have been facing lately, and I want to be as honest and transparent as I can about those things too.


JANUARY

January Gain: After 3 years of debilitating and unexplained symptoms (as shared on blog posts in October 2015 and April/July 2016 ), it seems that we may finally have some answers. Last fall, a friend recommended seeing a dentist who specializes in TMJ disorders, who did an intial assessment and said she believed that I had some significant issues with my jaw, which could be the catalyst to all of the other problems I've been having.

Assessment and imaging confirmed that I have a degenerated condyle on my left side and a displaced condyle on my right (the condyle is the "hinge" of the jawbone where most of your movement originates for chewing, speaking, etc).

The bottom left image is of my right condyle.

The bottom right image is of my left condyle.
They should be the same size.

Over several years, these two little problem areas have likely caused so many of my chronic symptoms: migraines that radiated from behind my left eye, intense shoulder/face/neck pain, a bulging cervical disc, deep ear pain with vertigo and tinnitus, arm numbness, fatigue, bloodshot eyes, and brain fog.  I've been coping with at least one (usually more) of these symptoms every day since May 2015.

The most serious issue they discovered is that my jaw has receded so much that it's compressing my airway by 85-90%, which explains the severe obstructive sleep apnea that I've also been trying to manage for 4 years. (After showing me the imaging of my airway, the orthodontist said, "I honestly don't know how you are breathing right now.")

Airway imaging, side view

See the white funnel shape? That's the top of my airway. The top of the funnel is how wide the entire airway is supposed to be. Instead, it is more like a 4-lane highway merging down to just 1 lane. Or in my case, a 10-lane highway narrowing down to 1 lane. 

See the highlighted red and yellow area? That is where the airway is being compressed to a tenth of the size that it should be. (The orthodontist compared it to a garden hose with a sedan parked on top of it.) And that image was taken while standing up. The space gets even smaller when I lay down to sleep at night, hence the obstructive sleep apnea. My jaw is the obstruction cutting off the air supply.

Untreated severe sleep apnea is linked to shorter life expectancy and other serious health risks, so resolving this issue is by far the greatest long term need and can't be easily treated with less invasive methods. I was issued a night guard to wear for the next few months to hopefully alleviate some of my symptoms, prevent further damage, and confirm that the jaw is in fact the culprit for many of my issues.

We scheduled a consult for the spring to discuss further treatment options. Surgery was mentioned as a likely future step.

January (sort of) Loss: Honestly, January was a pretty great month. We had our last trip to Florida to visit Jason's parents in Orlando and to visit the Disney Parks together. They are making preparations to sell their house and move to Indiana so we can all be closer and enjoy their next season of retirement together. It was bittersweet for all of us to say goodbye to a place where Jason grew up and where we made so many memories with our kids when they were small. But we are all equally excited to being closer together in the future and sharing life together with all of the big and small moments.

Having a blast with Nane and Pop Pops

FEBRUARY

February Loss: I got a call from my dad on Feb. 16th saying that his friend was driving him to the VA emergency room. Three difficult days later, he was on life support and never woke up again. Those days with Dad in the ICU were equally precious and heartbreaking. The following weeks were a blur of communication, meeting family, processing medical and legal information and pursuing options, and much more than my heart can stand to relive and write down here. February ended under a shadow of grief, uncertainty, and exhaustion.

February Gain: Recognizing the value of family, especially my brothers who were co-advocates and caregivers through every decision, visit in the hospital, bureaucratic hoops to jump through, and email or text updates to other friends and family. My sweet husband worked from home for a month to help maintain stability and support for myself and the kids, fulfilling all of his other responsibilities at the same time. My mother in law flew up to help with the kids and their schooling while I went with my brother every day to the hospital to sit with Dad or work through the phone calls and stacks of paperwork and arrangements to be made. My sister in law kept the home front going with meals, chores, and general management of the crazy that a house full of sweet children who know their grandpa is dying can bring. Our aunt and uncle flew in from South Korea to support and stay with my mom during the days Dad was in the hospital. Many more people stepped in with meals, messages, financial support, prayers, and many more ways than I could even record here. It was overwhelming and beautiful and far more grace and love than I can ever repay.


MARCH

March Loss: On March 7th, Dad passed away. His ashes were buried in a beautiful spot at the top of a grassy knoll in Ft. Knox Veterans Cemetery. We had a moving ceremony with honors for him: a full Air Force Honor Guard and a 21 gun salute. I'll never forget that day for as long as I live.

We miss you, Dad.

March Gains: I was able to fully see how much my dad was loved, respected, appreciated, and missed by a lot of people. A LOT. It seemed like everywhere we went, people knew Dad and were heartbroken to hear that he was gone. So many people attended his visitation and funeral. He touched a lot of lives and took the time to really get to know the people around him. He was not a perfect man, but he tried his best to be hardworking, loyal, and an advocate for others even at great personal and physical expense to himself. I hope that I've inherited some of those qualities and can carry that part of him with me.

APRIL

April Gains: We gained some new and very weighty responsibilities. And survived a very, very hard month. For the sake of privacy, I will not share more but we deeply covet your prayers in the coming months and years to come. We desperately need them.

April Loss: We had to say goodbye to our old life and are learning to embrace the New Normal. The stress and exhaustion from the last couple of months have made managing my health and chronic pain a lot more challenging. So many friends and family have given so much support and encouragement, which was a lifeline during so many dark and stormy moments.


MAY

May Gains: Jason's parents sold their house in Florida and are now officially here! Logistics and house closings are still in process, but their presence has been a big encouragement to all of us. The kids are grateful to have grandparents close after a hard couple of months, which is sweet to witness. Betsy and I also celebrated their move by going to the Kentucky Oaks, thanks to a very generous friend who offered us tickets. Not a bad way to start this new season for them!

Fillies at the Oaks

May Loss: We had our TMJ consult to discuss the timeline for correcting my jaw issues. Orthognatic surgery (maxillomandibular advancement) is a must, and the sooner the better. That means 9 months of braces to align the teeth and prepare for surgery (which means 9 more months of persevering through pain, fatigue, vertigo, etc. before treatment). Then major jaw surgery in February to realign my right condyle and surgically move my upper and lower jaw forward 11mm to relieve the pressure on my airway. The changes in the jaw will alter my appearance after treatment, which feels a bit like another piece of my identity being chipped away in this long, long season of loss: loss of strength and health, loss of identity, loss of a father, loss of protective distance from loved ones who are not "safe," and at times loss of hope.

I am so thankful for answers, a clear timeline, and way forward after such a long season of uncertainty and frustration. I'm thankful for modern medicine that has found a treatment for my issues with a fairly high success rate and could help me regain some/much of my health over time. I'm thankful for the strength and support from a sovereign and caring God and others to persevere through another year of weakness and inconsistent health and level of ability day to day, and experiencing the great grace and strength of the Lord on my hardest days.

But I'm so weary. 2018 has sucked me dry in every way. And I'm just tired.

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I think many of us are walking through life holding both of these truths within ourselves: life is hard... sometimes unbearably hard... but God is faithful and present. And it's His faithfulness, presence, and steadfast love that sustains us in the hardest moments.

Every morning that we have here on earth is another opportunity to experience the gift of His renewed mercies, to get out of bed, and - by God's grace - to keep walking. In His strength. In His truth. In His great, great love.

Loving God and Father, give us the grace to remember and to keep walking.
Thank you for the grace to remember and to keep walking.


My soul is bereft of peace;
    I have forgotten what happiness is;
 so I say, “My endurance has perished;
    so has my hope from the Lord.”

 Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
    the wormwood and the gall!
 My soul continually remembers it
    and is bowed down within me.
 But this I call to mind,
    and therefore I have hope:

 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
 “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

            - Lamentations 3:17-24

Immanuel. Gloria.

Earlier today, I had been sitting next to our twinkling Christmas tree and listening to the happy sounds of play drifting down the stairs where my sweet and beautiful children were enjoying their winter break with immense satisfaction. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of gratitude and joy for being the recipient of the undeserved gifts of a warm and happy home.

While I was having these happy thoughts, I was simultaneously listening to a loved one on the phone who was talking/ranting/yelling at me about various things that people had done to upset her, myself included. The thoughts came quick, mumbled, and more than half completely not based in reality. Confronting the delusions would result in greater agitation, and yet one doesn't want to give the illusion of silent agreement which can be interpreted as verification of this false reality.

I wrote this a few moments later in a moment of weakness and hope.


Posted on Facebook 12/21/17:

I'm so thankful for the Christmas season and the joy, awe, and celebration of community, generosity, and the immeasurable gift of God in flesh coming to live and walk among us.

I also ache for those missing loved ones who aren't here to celebrate with them. I hurt for those who are personally battling or have loved ones battling mental illness, chronic pain/sickness, terminal illness, trauma, or many other unspoken burdens. For these reasons, this time of year can be incredibly beautiful and acutely painful... sometimes within the very same moment.

I am praying for those loved ones to experience an extra measure of grace, peace, and hope - the kind that can only be found in a loving God who entered into our wonderful yet broken world to rescue us from an eternity of sorrow, pain, and despair.

And I pray for clarity of sight to see and to remember this beautiful Truth, even in the midst of overwhelming joy and crushing sorrow: Immanuel. God with us. Gloria.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

First Day of School! First Day of School!

Welcome back, visitors - you are just in time to join us in celebrating the launch of our 6th year of homeschooling! SIXTH. Is this really happening?

I almost can't believe that G-Bug is starting her last year of elementary school today - amazing! She has grown and changed so much in the last year, and is literally growing up before my very eyes (now that she can almost look directly into mine while standing face to face). 

Truth is excited to be a third grader this year - he is relishing the fact that he is entering the threshold of "upper elementary school" and now feels the need to correct anyone who refers to him as a "little kid." In his eyes, he is on the cusp of manhood. And I can't deny it.

In other news, life outside of school is chugging along - my health is still a continual roller coaster, though answers are now slowly coming and I'm optimistic about the next year (fingers crossed and insert pleas for prayer here). The not knowing has been discouraging and burdensome, living in ambiguity and grasping for solutions without knowing the root causes. But God has continued to give daily sufficient grace, even on days when I feel incredibly fragile and weak in body and spirit. 

One way that I've been coping with my health struggles and connecting with G-Bug has been crafting miniature foods, furniture, and other accessories for her American Girl (and other 18 inch sized) dolls. It began about two years ago when we built a French kitchen/bakery for her AG doll Grace Thomas (her character runs a French bakery with her grandparents). We challenged ourselves to come up with a homemade (and FAR less expensive) version of Grace's patisserie using cardboard, craft foam, clay, and paint. 

G-Bug and Grace love it!

I found the process of watching YouTube videos and shaping, cutting, and painting the pieces to be therapeudic and fun, and it allowed me to be creative without aggravating my health. Since then, every few months G-Bug and I have challenged ourselves by creating various pieces and rooms for her growing family of dolls. 

 School is in session

Even her brother Truth regularly joins in, grabbing his stuffies and trying out the sets for himself.

Lynx in a bathtub = ridiculously cute

Now two years later, this little hobby of ours has become a small side business! In the last week, we have started making and selling little doll sets at a local artisan shop and on Etsy.  G-Bug, co-creator of MiniMaples, is channeling her entrepreneurial spirit into offering ideas for new doll sets and marketing strategies (and many of them are brilliant, I must admit).

We can't wait to get these miniature sets into the hands of children and adults to encourage bonding and creativity through imaginative play!

MiniMaples display at 

Treehouse Artisans and Merchants in Louisville, KY

I can't wait to see what the future holds as we begin this little adventure.