Standing on the bank. 13 days to go.

Jaw Surgery Countdown: 13 Days.

My emotions are all over the place. Eagerness. Avoidance. Gratitude. Grumbling. Impatience. Dread.

The effects of stress are definitely making preparations more difficult. The tinnitus is back, as well as the tension headaches, muscle/joint aches, brain fog, and deep fatigue. Each day that brings us closer to the Big Day reinforces why we are taking this difficult step in my long term recovery.

The countdown has begun. February has been a constant stream of appointments, check ups, phone calls, making preparations, and getting affairs in order for myself and the family before entering hibernation/recovery mode. Bills paid? Check. Dependent family members? Housing/care arranged and taken care of. Hospital bag? Packed. Bulk cooking/juicing/fruit and vegetable purees stockpiled in the freezer? Check-a-check.

Juicing berries, apples, mango, and spinach for smoothies.

So pretty!

Planning all liquid meals has actually not been as much as a shock/stressor as it could have been. Since being diagnosed with gastroparesis in December (after a scary trip to the ER with chest pain that led me to believe that I was literally dying), we've had to completely change my diet to accommodate the stomach's impaired ability to digest hardly any red meat or unfermented dairy, raw fruits and vegetables, and only limited amounts of fat and fiber in one sitting.

Typical GP friendly breakfast on a good day.

Each ingredient carefully measured and recorded

to ensure enough nutrition and to prevent GI distress.

I would say that on an average day, about 30% of my diet is now liquid or creamed foods. Planning to transition to a 100% liquid diet has taken a lot more research, calorie counting and nutritional planning to be sure I'm eating enough to heal and stay strong. Gastroparesis cookbooks have been hugely helpful in finding recipes, like this one, this one, and this one.

Sweet potatoes, chicken, and carrots,

Pre-liquified.

Now my freezer is stocked with pureed soups and entrees, bone broth, and vegetable blends to be heated up and served in a squeeze bottle, and fresh fruit juice cubes to be added to smoothies and applesauce (which will also be served in a squeeze bottle). 

While it might seem like a bummer to discover yet another condition to be accommodated, the timing of everything has actually been a mercy. At my pre-op consult on Friday, the surgeon said that discovering the gastroparesis before surgery was significant and will impact the way that the anesthesia and post-op care will be managed. Besides, it's helpful to put a name to a condition that I believe I've lived with to some degree for many years. I'm curious to see if the correction of my jaw and tongue tie will have any impact on digestion and the severity of GP symptoms. (It's part of why I'm documenting all of the nitty gritty details of this journey - to keep a record and possibly to help or encourage others who might have a similar condition.)

Christian and Hopeful standing

before the Celestial City

When facing such a significant and invasive surgery, it's easy to feel fearful and uncertain about the future. I've woken up several times in the early hours of the morning with my head swirling and my palms sweating, praying for peace and wisdom and trying to think of ways to make the next couple of months of recovery go more smoothly.

The kids and I recently read through an abbreviated version of The Pilgrim's Progress for school. Christian's journey to the Celestial City is fraught with danger, doubt, and fear. Every time you think he's surely endured the worst thing on his journey, another even greater trial awaits him. Nearing the end of the story, Christian has already survived a bloody hand to hand battle with the demon Apollyon, passed through the terrifying Valley of the Shadow of Death, and even escaped the giant Despair in Doubting Castle.

At long last, he and his friend Hopeful are now standing on a riverbank and so close to the gate of the City of God that he could almost taste it... but there was still one more difficulty to pass through before he could enter: the River of Death.

"Now I further saw that betwixt them and the gate was a river; but there was no bridge to go over: the river was very deep. At the sight, therefore, of this river, the pilgrims were much astounded; but the men that went with them said, "You must go through, or you cannot come at the gate."

"The pilgrims then began to inquire if there was no other way to the gate; to which they answered, "Yes, but there hath not any, save two, to wit, Enoch and Elijah, been permitted to tread that path since the foundation of the world, nor shall until the last trumpet shall sound.

"The pilgrims then – especially CHRISTIAN – began to despond in their minds; and looked this way and that, but no way could be found by them by which they might escape the river. Then they asked the men if the waters were all of a depth? They said, "No"; yet they could not help them in that case, for said they, "you shall find it deeper or shallower as you believe in the King of the place."

One final act of faith. Pass through the dark waters, with no certainty of its depth or outcome. Then emerge on the other side and enter in.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I feel a bit like Christian toward the end of his long and harrowing pilgrimage to the Celestial City. This has been a long journey of pain, uncertainty, trials, joy, sorrow, unanswered questions, and waiting.

"They then addressed themselves to the water; and entering, CHRISTIAN began to sink. And crying out to his good friend, HOPEFUL, he said, 'I sink in deep waters, the billows go over my head; all his waves go over me.'

"Then said the other, "Be of good cheer, my brother; I feel the bottom, and it is good." Then said CHRISTIAN, "Ah! my friend, the sorrows of death have compassed me about; I shall not see the land that flows with milk and honey. And with that a great darkness and horror fell upon CHRISTIAN, so that he could not see before him; also here he, in great measure, lost his senses, so that he could neither remember nor orderly talk of any of those sweet refreshments that he had met with in the way of his pilgrimage. But all the words that he spake still tended to discover that he had horror of mind, and hearty fears that he should die in that river, and never obtain entrance in at the gate; here also, as they that stood by perceived, he was much in the troublesome thoughts of the sins that he had committed, both since and before he began to be a pilgrim."

In His mercy and kindness, God has used this season to humble me, to expose my weaknesses and false beliefs of self-sufficiency, and to dig down to the root of my identity and security. He has (and still is) pruning away the things that I have sought to fulfill and define me but ultimately have been found wanting. He has reminded me of who I truly am: his child. Limited, but loved. Dependent and weak, but strong in Him and Him alone.

God in His mercy has provided so many people along the way to speak grace and truth to my weary soul. Even in these last couple of weeks as the surgery looms ahead like a dark valley of uncertainty, family and friends have taken the time to share truths that the Lord taught them during their own journeys through dark and uncertain valleys.

 "Ah, brother," said he, "surely, if I was right, he would now arise to help me; but, for my sins, he hath brought me into the snare, and hath left me." Then said HOPEFUL, "My brother, you have quite forgot the text where it is said of the wicked, 'There are no bands in their death, but their strength is firm; they are not in trouble as other men, neither are they plagued like other men'.

"These troubles and distresses that you go through in these waters are no sign that God hath forsaken you; but are sent to try you, whether you will call to mind that which heretofore you have received of his goodness, and live upon him in your distresses." 

"Then I saw in my dream that CHRISTIAN was as in a muse awhile, to whom also HOPEFUL added this word, "Be of good cheer, Jesus Christ maketh thee whole "; and with that CHRISTIAN brake out with a loud voice, "Oh, I see him again! and he tells me, 'When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee.'" 

Thank you, friends and family. So much. I look forward to celebrating with you all once this next step is over.