Sometimes I forget

As weird as it sounds, sometimes I forget that my oldest, G-Bug, has special needs.  There are some days - if we have had a stable schedule for several days, had a lot of down time at home to decompress, avoided loud/high chaos environments, had good sensory days, the moon has aligned with Venus* - when things seem... well, average. Typical.  On those days, G-Bug and I might have a real, honest to goodness conversation involving real eye contact, relevant questions, and real thoughtful responses. I hear "I love you, Mom" - something (until fairly recently) I rarely ever heard articulated out loud.  Those days I keep close to my heart, sweet and rare gifts from the Lord to refresh and encourage us.

*I am totally kidding about that last one.

But most days are usually full of ups and downs.  Schedules change.  Plans get cancelled.  Loud and chaotic places are inevitable.  Expectations aren't perfectly communicated. We wake up with our sensory input going crazy - lights and sounds hurt, food textures gag us, or we feel so dull that we want to climb, push, rub, chew, scratch, and pick at everything in sight. Brain fog rolls in, clouding our ability to even focus on a one-step task. Change/chaos/fear builds up in our system like a drug, until we hit critical mass and it all comes rushing out, running down our face in our tears and shaking our bodies uncontrollably.

On especially hard days, I forget to be thankful.  I forget to celebrate the small victories, and to remember that each and every completed task is a gift from God Himself.  I forget that there are others whose challenges are more severe, more difficult to manage, and for some there are so few "good days."

And in the darkest moments, I sometimes forget that God is good.

But my daughter's struggles aren't evidence of a God who isn't good or loving - it points to a broken world that needs saving and renewing.  All of our bodies and our experiences carry evidence of a world that is tainted by sickness, evil, and death.  And that is precisely why God sent His Son Jesus - not only to save us from the penalty of our own sin, but to conquer death and give hope of a future reality without illness, abuse, developmental delays, murder, cancer, and on and on.  The hope is real because Jesus is real, His resurrection is real, and God's love and goodness are real and absolute.

And while we wait for that day, God shows His goodness and love to us by walking alongside us in our darkest moments.  Giving us our daily breath, a moment of rest and clarity, a simple "I love you, Momma" from a precious girl's sweet lips.

If your hope is in Jesus, fight not to forget.  The battle is already won, and it was won by a good and loving Father who is going before you, loving you, and sustaining you until the day you will at last see Him face to face, free at last to never to forget again.